My brother got engaged.
This was really hard for me, not only because he will always be my little brother whom I worry about, love more than he can know and am so proud of, but because I didn't get to experience it with him or my family. I didn't know the girl woman that he feel in love with. I didn't get to see the ring or hear about the dates. I didn't get to be there for the anxiousness before the proposal. I just wasn't there. I was here, in West Africa, reminding myself that I followed God's will for me and I was supposed to be here not there.
Living overseas can create a deep need to belong. To not be excluded. You no longer get invitations to weddings, baby showers, wedding showers, birthday parties. You can sometimes feel left out. Despite family/friends trying their best to include you, sometimes it's just impossible to feel included. In fact some people don't share things with you because they don't want you to feel left out. But it just makes it worse. All we really want to hear is how great it was and how much you wish that we were there too. So when all this happened with my brother, I felt so excluded. Left out. Which was selfish of me, terribly selfish.
Which got me thinking...how many times do I do this exact thing to God? I leave Him out of my plans all too often. I don't talk to Him enough or trust in Him enough. I exclude Him, make Him feel like He doesn't belong in my life. In little things mostly, but sometimes the big things. I wonder how that makes Him feel.
All too often I, we, become absorbed in our own feelings and lose sight of what really matters. God. Others. I had to take a step back, a huge step and realize that despite my feelings being valid, they weren't what mattered. What matters is God and what He desires my life to be. What matters is my brother's happiness. Yes my feelings were real, needed to be heard and sympathized with, but then my focus needs to be on Him who gives me this huge opportunity each day. Who allows me to be a part of something bigger than myself. My focus needs to be on other people's happiness. My joy needs to come from Him and through Him. My brother's happiness should (and does) make me happy. It didn't matter what I felt, what mattered is what my brother felt.
I'm happy to report that my brother is now married to a wonderful woman who I had the pleasure of finally meeting and who I look forward to knowing better when we are in the States. My wonderful amazing self sacrificing parents paid for me to come back for the wedding and (despite a rough start) I was able to watch my brother make the second most important decision of his life. I was able to enjoy a few days in America (more later) and do some shopping. And I was able to hug my grandparents (this was huge because I didn't get to hug my grandma goodbye), several of my aunts, and a few great friends.
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| Happy Day!! |
And I might have had my hair cut :) And had my hair revitalized :)
They look like a precious couple. And I definitely empathize with this situation. The first time I cried in Africa was after my sister called to tell me she was engaged. Not because I didn't like the guy - I do! - but because of time differences and the like she couldn't call me right away to tell me - I felt like I wasn't available for her first off like a good sister should be. But God is faithful, oh so faithful and loving and is more than sufficient for times like these. May our struggles continuously remind us for our desperate need for Him. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Cara! It was definitely a reminder that I am work in progress and that God is so much bigger and faithful than I give Him credit for.
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