What my morning sickness looks like

I wrote this in August 2015:

So it was a hard day and I was feeling blue. But my wonderful mom reminded me that every parent has to go through the yuck to get their kiddo. Most women have to go through morning sickness, swollen ankles, weird craving, etc. My yuck just looks different. The more I thought about this, the more comforted I was and my optimism slowly returned. Thanks Mom!

My morning sickness, tiredness and swollen ankles looks like this:

1. Finding out that your physical is out of date, having to drive 2 hours into the capital to get a new physical that takes 15 minutes and then drive 2 hours back home.

2. Waiting for hours at an obscure office in the capital in hopes of getting a paper that says you are not bound by the national adoption laws, but rather the laws of your own country. Then calling every week and being told that it's in process, only after two months to never actually get the paper and give up.

3.  Spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars just to get things notarized by the US Embassy because they charge you for this FREE service in the US when you live overseas.

4.  Waiting...lots and lots of waiting...to hear back from governments, offices and agencies. 

5.  Sitting at the computer for endless hours, filling out paperwork, your life story over and over again, all the addresses you've ever lived at since you were born, all the jobs you've ever had, all the anything! Pages and pages of paperwork...for each of us!

6.  Letting people you don't know into the most private areas of your life; your finances, your marriage, your health. And trying to remember that they really don't care and you don't need to justify how much money you have in your savings/checking because they really couldn't care less!

7.  Did I mention the waiting? And more waiting??

8.  Applying for endless grants and doing fundraising because adoption costs as much as a really nice new car and we certainly don't have that kind of money upfront mainly because we live overseas and work for the church. These grants come with their own paperwork and emailing and more waiting and talking about yourself and more waiting!

9. Asking people in the US to help you because you live overseas and it's terribly hard to coordinate a lot of things like fundraising and mailing things to agencies and governments when you aren't actually in the US.

10.  Being exhausted emotional and physically from the stress, the worry, the thinking of it all. My mind is constantly on our adoption and our kids. Did I fill out this paperwork right? Will we get the things in on time? Are our kids being taken care of? Are they eating, bathed, loved? Did I remember to fill out a particular blank? Sleepless and/or restless nights are a part of my new normal. Being tired all the time is a part of my new normal.

11. And more waiting and waiting and waiting....

So we will go through our yuck, the rites of passage in becoming a parent, because we know our munchkin(s) is worth every bit of second spent waiting, every bit of being frustrated, every bit of feeling uncomfortable. Because we know that once we have you in our arms, every bit of the yuck will fade away and you’ll just be here and nothing else will have ever mattered.

Read More »

A bit of our story

I wrote this in July 2015 right before we had our home study:

All my life, I thought I never wanted to have kids biologically. Something about the pain of childbirth, gaining weight when I already struggle daily with that issue, and pain (did I already mention that?) caused me never to really have that desire to birth a child. Don’t get me wrong.. I’ve always always wanted kids. But I thought from an early age that my future family would include only adopted kids.

Enter my hubby. Before we even got married or really started dating, he had expressed that he wanted to adopt one day. It’s a small part of what drew me to him.  We both wanted to give a child that has no one to love him/her a family and more love than they might be able to handle! But he also wanted biological kids. For the first 4 years of our marriage when we talked about kids, it was always adopted kids. But I knew that he still longed for biological children. 3 years ago we started our adoption journey. 2 ½ years ago we were told there was a baby girl in our country that needed a family. 2 ½ years ago our hearts were crushed into a million pieces when we didn’t get to take her home. 2 ½ years ago I lost a child. 

It took me a year to get over that pain. I couldn’t look at a baby, hold a baby, be around kids without my heart feeling like it was tearing in two for a year. My grief was real. It was intense and it left me devastated. But somewhere in the midst of all my pain, God began working on my heart. Maybe it was the tiny little fingernails, tiny little pouty lips and tiny miniscule curly hair. Whatever it was, I came to realize how selfish I was being in not wanting biological children. All my reasons were about me. Pain and weight gain. Those were my reasons. So somewhere in the midst of my grief I surrendered my heart to the Lord and asked Him to give me whatever family He desired for us.

Honestly I thought that because this was a huge thing for me, I would get pregnant right away. But that didn’t happen and it hasn’t happened for two years.  We don’t fully know what God has planned for our family right now. There are days when it’s hard especially when so many around us are having kids, whether planned or unplanned.

Almost a year ago now, we started a new adoption process with a different organization and are weeks away from a home study (Yay!!), but there is still unexpected grief sometimes. We know that this is the path that God has us on right now and we are excited. But we still mourn the loss of what this means for our family. We will never get to see our child’s first smile, hear their first words, or see them take their first steps. We won’t get to see their tiny baby fingers with all their little wrinkles and oh so tiny fingernails. We won’t get to swaddle them until they fall asleep in our arms. We won’t get to be there for their first tooth, first fall, or see their tiny pouty baby lips. I'm a mom, right now even, who will miss the first 2-5 years of her child's life. And that hurts in the most real way possible. 

It’s a kind of grief that I cannot even really describe. While friends are getting pregnant and having babies and doing all things baby, I’m sitting alone, wishing I had my baby, my babies in my arms, wishing that I could buy tiny baby shoes and baby onesies. Wishing so badly that my family was together instead of miles and miles apart while trying to be genuinely happy for my friends whose families are together. It overwhelms me sometimes in unexpected moments. Seeing a mom kiss her infant’s nose, hearing a dad in a movie talk about his daughter being born. It brings huge uncontrollable tears because I know we won’t have that with our child.

At the same time, we have peace…if that’s even possible. Peace because we know our children are waiting for us, or will be waiting for us. Peace because we know that our God is in control of our family and our journey and story will be unique and wonderful. Peace because we know God hears our pain and sorrow and longs to fill it with joy. Peace because we know that while we will miss a lot of baby firsts, we won’t miss all of them. We will still get enough firsts to last a lifetime with our kiddos. Peace because we trust that God is asking us to hold out a little longer until our family is together. So we’ll cling to that peace when the grief rocks us and threatens to over take us. We’ll cling to the trust we have in the One whose timing is always perfect. And we’ll pray for our children, through the sorrow and trust, we’ll pray for our little ones until we can be together as a family.

Read More »

Our Big News!!!

I know many of you know already, but we wanted to announce it just like any other couple would announce a new member coming into their family! 

It's taken far longer than we anticipated in getting to this point (kinda the story of our lives!!), but my dad always reminds me that this time of waiting is a time for growth, to become the parents we need to be, to grow us closer to Christ, for God to work things out with our kids, etc and so we try not to get bogged down in the wait (try!!) but instead look for Him to work. 

How far along are we? Well we are just about ready to submit our dossier to Burundi! It "should" take about a month for the dossier to be submitted and registered and then we'll begin the wait for a referral. We don't know how long that might take, but we know God is in control of this all and that's all that matters. 

Boy or a girl? Age? We don't know. We want to be surprised on gender :) We did ask to be matched with 5 yrs and younger!

Just one right? Nope we said we were open to siblings! We are praying (please join us) that God will give us siblings and bring our family home all at the same time. Yes this makes us nervous. Yes we might be slightly out of our minds. Yes we trust that what He has laid on our hearts, He will make us capable of! We are currently trying to raise funds in order to proceed with siblings. We need to raise $5000 by the end of the month. If you'd like to help us bring our kids home, we would cherish your support!!

Due date? We don't know yet. Like we said, we should be on the wait list for a referral in a month after our dossier is submitted. The referral time is different based upon what children are available and what kind of care you can and are willing to provide. It could be another year or more before we bring our kids home. 

All in all, please be praying with us in our journey! Pray that God would open doors for our kids and us to be united quickly. Pray that the right people will get our paperwork and work efficiently. Pray for our children to be safe during this process, that they are loved by those around them, have their needs met and are healthy. Pray for their biological family who will have to endure some crisis in order for our kids to need other parents. Pray that God will comfort them during this crisis, and even in the crisis, they will sense His love for them and for our kids. Pray also for Burundi, which has undergone some bit of violence last year. Ask for peace, for calm hearts and for the situations to be diffused. 

All in all, please pray for our adventure of bringing our kiddos home!

Read More »

Random thoughts

Here are some of my random thoughts over the past several weeks:

1. It's funny to me how I can feel so at home in two completely different places.

2. Driving back to K town felt like driving back home, but it's no longer our home.

3. Isn't it weird how random things that don't change can make you feel more comfortable, more settled? Like this door still standing after 8 months?

How this is still standing I have no idea!!

4. How can kids grow so much in 8 months?

5. Yassa is possibly one of my favorite foods….minus the chicken :)

6. Somehow my Senegalese dog, Zelli, is fatter than when we left. The only thing that can account for this is ceebu jen!

7. I still can't stand for my feet to be dirty before bed.

8. Short hair isn't as great as I thought it would be. I actually have to try harder to fix it than I did with long hair :(

9. Me + fabric market =Danger! Danger!!

10. Cold showers at the end of a hot day are better than just about anything!

Read More »

#happyreunions

Returning to our old town has been filled with #happyreunions. Normally I don’t speak in hashtags, but I’ve documented some of the joyousness of the last week on Instagram under this hashtag. But I’ll stop now referring to it now J

The greetings of our return have been anything from “You’ve come back!!! I missed you” to “I thought you left for good”. But the best three, the three that made me cry and touched my heart were the following: “My baby has come home.” ,“Our tiredness will stop now that you are back.” , “I missed you!! I’m truly truly your family now!”.  Oh and then there was the little 5 year old sitting on my lap with her head against my chest, sighing deeply saying, “Binta I missed you so much. I didn’t miss Ibrahiima, but I missed you.” She’s so ornery!!

Part of me feared that when we got back, people wouldn’t really be that happy to see us. That I hadn’t touched their lives like they touched mine. I was worried that I would be more happy to see them. And I was okay with that. My family and friends here have changed my life. They’ve opened my mind up to a whole new world, a  wondrous place I never knew….oh sorry Aladdin is playing in the background… But seriously they did open my mind. They allowed me into their lives, into their homes and we forged deep bonds because of that. They taught me how to cook here, taught me how to hand wash clothes, how to draw water from a well. They taught me how to live without feeling like I was missing anything. They made me depend on God more, without out them even knowing it. They made me trust in Him more. They made me refine and know the core of my theology. They helped me work through cultural misunderstandings with grace and forgiveness. They made me seek His face in every word I spoke.  Without them even knowing it, they helped me get closer to God.

It’s been #happyreunions all around. Our reunions have been sweet and joyous exactly like I was hoping they would be.

Read More »

A new goat trail

We are moving.....if it’s possible to be looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time, then that’s what’s going on…we’re moving…

While we were in the States, God moved in our lives in BIG ways. He showed us very clearly what He wanted for our next term. Even when I didn’t understand it, He still showed us through others what He wanted. And for that, I can say that we are excited to see what God has in store for us in our new location. We know that is where we are supposed to be, and so we are excited about the newness. Excited about making new friends, finding new villages, finding new places in a new market, making new dumb decisions…the whole lot. We are excited.

But at the same time we are dreading it. Our old town was great. We love it. It feels like home. Being able to walk out of the market and speak to anyone is great! Being able to go into an office and speak clearly is so helpful! Knowing where all the little hidden treasures are is comforting. Not having to make new friends for this introvert is a sigh of relief. Seeing people we have prayed for accept is an answered prayer! Seeing God work in huge ways is amazing!!  And now we have to leave….

I’m not going to lie. I’ve had a couple of moment this week of pure narcissism. If we were here, then this wouldn’t have happened like this. If we were here, then this would be happening. If we were here, then____________. But then I’m reminded: God doesn’t need me here. He’s made that clear. And things are happening the way that they are going to happen. God blesses me by allowing me to be a part of His work, but He doesn’t need me. He chooses me. He chooses others. And the work that He is doing will continue and grow, whether I am here or not.

And so I will only look forward, to our new town, to the new adventures that await us. Because looking back will only make you trip over the goat lying in the road.

Read More »